Il NATALE di chi lavora nei RISTORANTI

Se lavori nella ristorazione, qualunque sia il tuo ruolo, il pranzo di Natale a casa dei parenti assume negli anni sempre più una connotazione diversa, sempre più professionalmente deformata.

IL NATALE DI CHI LAVORA NEI RISTORANTI:

IL CAMERIERE:
Ti chiederanno un parere sulla mise en place.
Ovviamente nessuno userà il termine mise en place, ma un più vulgare “Ti piace come ho apparecchiato?”
L’impatto visivo con quei sottopiatti di un rosso che manco la Campari sotto effetto di allucinogeni ti sa dare è il primo scoglio di sincerità che dovrai affrontare. L’unica speranza è che non ti venga ESPRESSAMENTE chiesto un parere al riguardo.
Cerca subito un dettaglio sul quale tu possa esprimere reale…o quantomeno verosimile apprezzamento: le saliere vintage della nonna, la scelta dell’uso di brocche d’acqua perchè ecologiche, le candele al centro tavola (“come al ristorante dove lavoro!”), i bicchieri d’acqua così sobri – “Il minimalismo è tornato di moda!” (ma non lo dire con troppa enfasi che potrebbe sembrare una critica indiretta al carnevale di merletti e ghirlande sparse per casa).

IL SOMMELIER:
Premesso che anche se fai il portapiatti da 3 fine settimana, per molti dei tuoi parenti sei automaticamente un sommelier, in barba ai corsi dell’AIS, i 3 livelli, e le visite in cantina.
Se vieni quindi individuato per quello “che serve vino per lavoro” sarai l’incaricato di aprire la bottiglia di Freschello del 2016 (quello avanzato dell’anno scorso, il primo da bere e finire agli antipasti. Il chianti del 2015 “buono” è solo per chi sopravvive al terzo secondo).
Ti consigliamo di portare con te il tirabouchon, perchè sappiamo benissimo, TUTTI, che il cavatappi che ti daranno sarà quello con doppie braccia che quando le apri sembrano voler dire:
“Oh cì, non me guardà così, io faccio quello che posso!”
Se sei un vero sommelier, aspettati commenti altolocati sul Gewurztraminer. E muto.

CUOCO:
Se sei un cuoco, di quelli veri insomma, non dovresti avere problemi del tipo:
“cucini tu?”
Quello è un tipo di problema che riguarda gli aiutocuochi alle prime esperienze. Di te hanno reverenza e rispetto.
Da qualche anno però, grazie ai fenomeni mediatici che tutti ben conosciamo, il Natale ha permesso di far conoscere una nuova giovinezza ai cuochi di oggi.
Come dei sbarbati universitari ai quali i nonni chiederanno:
“Ti sei laureato/a?”
“E il/la ragazzo/a”
“Ma lavori?”
Al cuoco del 2017 verrà chiesto:
“Ma perchè non partecipi a MASTERCHEF?”
“Dovresti andare in tv! Conosco uno che…”
“Hai mai pensato a fare lo chef nelle case private?!? SI FANNO I SOLDIII!!!”
Il silenzio resterà la vostra arma migliore.

AIUTOCUOCO:
Hai finito il corso di aiutocuoco pagato con fondi europei presso il corsificio che ha assunto come maestri quelli che 2 anni fa facevano corsi come te?
I tuoi genitori al termine ti hanno regalato un set di coltelli da 150 euro? (non l’uno, tutto il set a quel prezzo)
Bene.
Adesso devi dimostrare quello che sai fare ai parenti.
Scordati un menù degustazione da 15 portate che qui l’unica stella che vogliono vedere è quella in cima all’albero di Natale dal divano formato famiglia mentre si sporcano di zucchero a velo alle 16.30 mentre trovano spazio su dove appoggiare la tazzina del caffè.

BARMAN:
Sei riuscito come sempre a trovare una serata dove lavorare anche la notte del 24. Ti svegli con un piatto di pappardelle al cinghiale dopo aver brindato con i colleghi alle 6 di mattina con un cornetto e grappa barricata.
Sono tutti molto abituati al tuo catatonismo nelle festività:
“Ieri è rientrato tardi che ha lavorato” è la frase che ogni tanto ti fa capire che stanno parlando di te.
Ti riprendi al momento dello scarto dei regali per fare lo zio simpatico con i nipoti, dire quattro battute ad effetto che lasciano un buon ricordo e poi fuggi per andare a fare aperitivo prima di andare a lavorare, che tutti sappiamo come la sera del 25 si lavori da fare schifo perchè tutti, ad un certo punto, vogliono uscire di casa.

PIZZAIOLO:
Se non hanno un forno per la pizza, sei praticamente salvo. Per non parlare del fatto che la pizza non è proprio il piatto tipico di Natale.
Forse a qualcuno verrà in mente di chiederti un parere sul fatto che la “PIZZA NAPOLETANA” è diventata patrimonio dell’UNESCO e di come farai a continuare a fare pizze tu che vivi in provincia di Treviso.
Decidi tu come affrontare l’argomento, ma ricordati che a Natale siamo tutti più buoni.

LAVAPIATTI:
Chiariamo una cosa.
Al ristorante ho una lavastoviglie che lava, sterilizza e asciuga. Due vasconi dove prelavare e lasciare in ammollo pile intere di piatti.
Ammettiamo che io voglia darti una mano a fine pranzo a lavare…CHI HA SPARECCHIATO???
Non lo sapete che i piatti vanno puliti dagli avanzi prima di metterli in ammollo?
E poi quante volte devo dire di non mettere le ciotole dove abbiamo mangiato il tiramisù assieme al resto che poi si sente odore d’uovo su tutto?
Facciamo una cosa: USCITE TUTTI CHE CI PENSO IO.
Come ogni anno -_-
Inizio a credere che lo facciano apposta.

Nonostante le nostre deformazioni professionali, passare le feste con i nostri parenti, genitori, figli, mentre qualcuno pensa a fare quello che solitamente dobbiamo fare noi è comunque una piccola, grande gioia.
Però adesso togliete olio e sale dalla tavola prima che arrivi il panettone perchè sennò mi inca**o davvero!

Buon Natale, a te e tutta la fami…
…e a tutta la tua BRIGATA!

Ps: l’immagine di copertina è un omaggio alla scena di Vacanze di Natale ’90 dove uno dei migliori Abatantuono decide di smettere la sua messa in scena da muto, per difendere il suo amico che è li come cameriere nella casa dei ricchi parenti della compagna.

“Alvaro alzati va, questa è gente che ti deve portare rispetto a te. Perchè ricordatevi che se non ci fosse la gente come Alvaro, voi non potreste fare la vita da nababbi che fate.”

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